Am I even a good friend?
Being honest may not get you many friends, but it will always get you the right ones.
Let’s get back to friendship anxiety. Not quite a diagnose - I guess more a degree of anxiety - but something I’m dealing with on a daily basis. Sometimes more than others.
But it comes back to me time and time again, when I stick up for myself and are real with how I’m feeling. I like to give 150% to my friends. And without sounding greedy, I expect the same back. Not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way. But in a way, that there’s no doubt she - just because I don’t really have male friends - will always have your back and you hers.
And then I get upset when that’s not reality. When I give way more than I receive. I’ve time and time again told myself to stop craving friendships, but thats a hard task when you’re counting your friends on one hand. I do have loads of girlfriends from school, but they are in Denmark. And as lovely as it is to Snapchat, message, and have our Sunday call-dates, I need good friends in New York. Which is probably exactly what I need to work with. I don’t need friends. I would like good friends in my life. Less of a desperate need, more of a nice-to-have-and-plenty-of-good-vibes situation.
I guess not having a group of girls to hang out with makes me feel like a failure. It makes me look at myself and blame myself. It makes me look at everyone else, and question how I become friends with them because they look so cool and happy. I do have some friends here in New York. I can count them on one hand, but they are good. And that’s what matteres. I guess I just need to work with that mentality of “I’m not good enough” and “I need friends,” and turn it around to “more friends would be lovely, let me be open to it, and it will happen if it happens.”
Easier said than done.