Friendship Anxiety & A Talk About Finding My Self And My People
When you can't look at the bright side, I'll sit with you on the dark side.
This morning I was looking through the camera roll on my phone and found this photo taken just a few weeks back at an event in SoHo. On the photo you see two fashionable girls holding a cocktail with an insane New York backdrop. Everything is perfect. You would think... Because this photo got me thinking about my friendships.
There are the friendships I've had since kindergarten and elementary school. There are the friends I talk to nearly every day. And there are the girlfriends I talk to once in a while, but feel like I never was parted from once I see them. I love them to my core. It's not a group of friends that all know each other and hang out independently of me, it's more a handful of girlfriends that fill out different 'needs' for me, or touch different areas of my persona.
But, and there is a but, I moved to New York City 3 years ago. Away from my best friends. Away from feeling sure that there is always a shoulder to cry on, someone to hang out with at that perfect Instagrammable coffee shop, someone to come over for dinner or to go out to dinner with. I'm lucky enough to have met my other half. My best friend and soulmate. Edward. But I'm the kind of person who needs girlfriends. They just fill out another spot in my persona. They give me energy. But I've had a hard time making friends over here. In the beginning I made some really good girlfriends that I still talk to, but they moved back to Denmark after 6 months. And that's kind of how my friendship-downward-spiral has been going. I've made some good friends and started a really great foundation with them, and then they move. Over and over again. At some point I found myself asking 'are you here for more than 6 months?' before even setting up a coffee date. Pathetic, I know. I've reached out to people on Instagram, who never answered, because.. I don't know... I didn't have enough followers to be of interest?! Then I've met other girls, where we simply didn't fit personality wise, and all those friendships did was to bring me down. To make me insecure. And I was left with something I want to describe as friendship anxiety. Feeling like I will never meet 'my people,' 'why would anyone want to be friends with me,' and 'if I find some good friends it's probably gonna turn out, that they are moving away.'
I always felt like I didn't fit in with people over here. Especially at my last job, I got a feeling of being left outside. There would be group texts I wasn't involved in, I felt like people were talking about me behind my back, when I said something at the casual desk-side-talks in the office the girls wouldn't answer. It was horrible in the end. That was probably my low low.
I'm no longer at that job, and I'm about to turn 26 in the end of this month. So what have I learned?
Well, first of all I've done some diving into myself. My core. Who am I? Some pretty deep sh*t, but I've found my true self and learned to embrace that, instead of caring so much about what other people may do or say to me. I've stopped craving friendships and started letting them happen if they happen. If they don't, that's okay, and maybe we will cross paths later or maybe it was just a person I was meant to meet that one day. A person that was meant to make me smile that day. And that's okay.
And I've actually found that being that way has lead me to my people in a whole other way. I've met Shirley, who's just an incredible girl. And although we've only known each other for a few months, she's one of those girls who check in with me as much as I check in with her. Someone who makes me feel comfortable being me. I'm not wrong, when I'm with her. And that makes me believe that of course I will meet more friends in this big city. I will meet more of 'my people'. And I'm lucky enough to still have my girlfriends in Denmark just a phonecall away.